AFTER
all these years, the word “loneliness” still confuses—and
fascinates—me... I know what it means in all its definitions and
angles and symmetries and conveyances (and all that stuff) yet I
can't seem to figure out how to work this innate human/emotional
“response to isolation” around truths that I have evolved
with/in. Years ago, a lovely lady told me, like a serene drape of sun
onto a cold bed of grass: “I am very lonely, want to come over and
spend time with me?” Surely, I know what it meant... Loneliness
cuts deep and I was hoping that it'd evoke a need that transcends the
warmest of sexual engagement. But in no time that I realized—over
and over and over again—that “I am lonely” is more like a
“distress call at night,” a sweet but outward invite to simply
get naked together and not be physically alone.
Two
phrases that offended me big time and still is: “Wanna fuck me?”
and “I just wanted to fuck you.” I tried my best to go around
these, but I still go back to my primitive cheesiness, yes I am a
cold “age of inquisition” bitch. Who refuses sex anyways, right?
I am not saying “fucking” is bad. It is not. It is only a matter
of time—following more moments beyond the bedroom, backseat of a
car, or wherever—when “fucking” becomes “making love.” I'd
go for that ride... Problem is, how do we go pass the kick-off
intrigue, the initial heat of the night?
Oh
yes, people have things to do after sweat and sweetness have been
consumed in bed... It seems that is the rule more than exception.
“Loneliness” is a fleeting vacuum (sic!) that happens, it happens
and it is filled up by having another fill it up, at a given moment.
(Sarcasm, yes.) When I was very young (but not a virgin, okay?) I
wrote a song with the lyrics that go: “Love is two sets of
loneliness—needing, wanting, filling each other...” But I knew at
that time “filling each other” wasn't few hours at night, or even
an entire day in a bedroom, shared few and far in between when
“loneliness” strikes again. “Filling each other” is a
beautiful human response to connection, togetherness, friendship... A
warm entanglement in a room, sheets ruffled and moans consumed, is a
beautiful entry point to a lasting relationship.
Moreover,
friendships and family make us warm, they fill us up... Remember the
Cherokee who survived the trail of tears--amidst winter cold and
atrocious war? They saved themselves by being with each other and
with the body and the spirit of the buffalo. Cold and
loneliness--strike most--in the heart of darkness, not outside of it.
Just don't be lonely. If you are physically alone--write, paint,
sing, cook, create. Meet people. The thought that you will share what
you created to the world later when spring sun rises again (or even
if rain or snow keep on falling), will make you warmer than ever. And
yes, the only way not to be alone or feel the fangs of loneliness cut
through you—is fill someone up as you allow yourself to be filled.
From one night to 1001 days...
--Pasckie Pascua
from, "My Life as a Greyhound"
