Sunday, July 17, 2016

Words and Stuff and Love

IT seems so effortless. I say words or write poems to try to comfort worried hearts and ease clouded minds. As though I had it all figured out—that healing wounds or making someone feel better is something that I am “good at.” Like what that silly song, “Handy Man” is saying: “I fix broken hearts, I know I truly can.” But do I know what love really is? I don't know. It's an individual truth. I am confident I know somehow how to project love yet do I know how it really works? Depends on the person receiving and giving, right? Interplay of negotiations. Interface of compromises. What I share on the area of love, relationships and all these sweet shenanigans don't necessarily work for me. How I wish that I am the dude who receives advice than the one giving it. Yet it doesn't lessen my joy when someone—either here on Facebook or in my little shows—tell me, “You made me feel better.” That's cool. That's all the hero I need be.

WHEN I look at some relationships, I wonder what really works? Yet I have been a witness to many relationships that work and those that didn't. There seems to be a pattern (at least with people that I know). Most of those that end in divorce appear to stand by the dictum, “I do my thing, you do yours” and “I keep my own money, you spend yours.” In other words, they try to sustain their singlehood freedom while under one roof. They tend to idealize family and explore new dimensions yet they fight a lot or they don't talk a lot. The other one is what the first one calls as “uptight” and conservative. This kind of couple shares all as per conjugal belongings—bank account, decisions, church, problems, even friendships. They even share one email address. They “lose” their individual-ness (as opposed to individuality) in a synergetic whole and functions as per an agreed plan and direction. They have more laughter than arguments. They don't put so much ado on how to correctly raise children—they worry more about education and trust fund. Most of these unions carry on to 30 year anniversary or longer. Of course, a relationship isn't black and white or polar extremes. Just saying.

DATING HER, KNOWING HIM. I am probably the weird one here. Or has life changed? How easy it is to gather (or “friend”) people on Facebook yet it equals the difficulty of “friending” someone out there. When we ask another (opposite sex) to meet over coffee or beer or to hang out and play pool or walk dogs on Carrier Park, would that qualify as a “date”? Or are you sending signals that says, “I'd like to date you”? How'd you “date” someone whose personality/character are mostly typed in/posted online? It doesn't make sense to me. Yet you may find someone in here who could vibe with your aura or probably share common threads on things—the “Matrix” trilogy, seafood paella, glass sculpture, vinyl records, Murakami, democratic socialism, Goodwill shopping, familial wisdom etcetera. Wouldn't you wanna meet that person beyond the internet? Just meet. You don't need to get a new haircut or gear up your Beckham abs.
We grow and evolve into better individuals via interaction with humanity and the world, out there. What we get in the internet are second/third hand data. It's like knowing David Bowie and Prince through their music only. Do you know that they could be as odd as the next-door dude who winks at you every other Thursday as you gas up on Merrimon Av? Or maybe they're not that odd. It would be awesome to align wavelengths with someone that you actually interacted with beyond “likes” and emojis. Maybe someone that you shared a sweet concert at The Orange Peel or walked with along Beaver Lake talking about your respective kids or went with to Caleb Beissert's open mic? Something deeper might ensue or develop, why not?

          But how do we know people before we begin imagining under starry, starry nights or scaring ourselves in the dark confines our room fearing that this dude could be Jason Voorhees-incarnate? Post the negative stuff that converge in your dark cloud of paranoid imaginings, expect 55 likes in one minute! You see, we may post and share all the wonderful confections of our life and rant how brilliant we see society and governance on social media—but until we see eye to eye, spend real time together (other than nervous candlelit Bonefish Grill dinners or Thirsty Monk beers) beyond the constraints of “Ten Dating Rules,” we will never know. Sadly, all those red flag fears and preconceptions will gather while we ruminate in front of our laptop what should be and what shouldn't be. Meet and hang. If you spend moments on weekly basis, or even several times a week, better. Plan it out, talk. That's how we know people—future friends or possible sweethearts.

LOVE in TIME. As you get older and look back at all those broken valentines, shattered relationships, mistakes and mishaps—you tend to ponder deeper and learn to accept in humility that you also did commit faults and let your flaws dictate your decisions. Wrongdoings aren't confined to one person. So you tell yourself, when you meet someone who let love blossom in you again, this is going to be better because you have learned from the past. You know what you should change in you, modify and learn more to help a relationship finally find a degree of realizable success. You know the current-you is the best from all that you were. Now you are committed, you have time, you have a love that is present and alive. You are not perfect but you know you are more than alright.

          Yet the relationship still fails. As you reel from the splinters of your bleeding heart, you take in all the words that all point at how awful and evil you are. But are you really that bad? Maybe it is not her/him and it is not you, per se. It is the “wrongness” of a relationship attempt that wasn't working. You feel the love but it found a room or space that finds it hard to evolve into positive light. A relationship that couldn't pursue beauty and wisdom. It's all anger. You are dragged out to thorny brush in the woods or the cold darkess of your shell. The demons in you that you believed have left are threatening to come alive again. You start beating yourself up.
           So leave and let go. You don't need to punish yourself just because you are told you are the worst human being there is. You are not. You just haven't found the apt relationship that you deserve. And that holds true with your ex. Mere fact that you first fell in love together meant you both saw the goodness in each other's hearts—until some harsh realities and uncompromising truths got in the way. Just move on and always open your heart no matter how broken it could be. There will always be a warm hand and a loving heart that will meld and mend and sail with yours. Your chance at joy is not yet over. You haven't failed.
          Meantime, don't forget to live good, love good, eat only good food. And dance. It's summer, you know. 

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