Saturday, April 23, 2016

RELATIONSHIPS, old and new

THROUGH the years, my flailing romantic bravado, I must admit, has been considerably supplanted by sharp pragmatism. It's a good thing though. I can see more reason or smart-sense now than what it was in my youth (so I thought, hmmm...) In our younger years, love was an ice cream confection under a full moon, dreamy. In our older years, oh well...
         Many times these days, I come across lovers with a sweet litany of “I found my soulmate at last!” or “We are engaged, I can't believe it!” Then after a few months (or weeks), I hear “What a sick jerk, schizophrenic!” or “I'd rather be with my cat, relationships with humans suck!” But of course, I know of a number of friends who've gone past the irksome hawing, heaving and hassles and actually live/d together happily and hopefully, ever after. Let me talk about those who weren't so good at crossing the initial barrier—a month, 6 weeks, or maybe 1 or 2 years (of dating).

          I believe sometimes we over-idealize love in the context of relationship than actually “realizing” it as a hit-and-miss/do-it-again interface of rampaging hormones, sensibilities and sensitivities. A relationship (or even a friendship) is not an over-the-counter commodity or Apple app that is ready-to-go, one click we are done. It is always a working project... Sure, at first we tend to get enamored by paralleled wavelengths—like a sweet commonality of culinary faves like a shared dinner of purple hummus on one plate, or synchronized footwork on late-70s disco psychedelia, or the same agreeable liking for Ray Reddington's good-bad persona. But these are mere icings, facades, largely superficial hooks—likes and dislikes that are mostly dating-site fodder.
         A common fault of lovers on “honeymoon” phase is the “unrealistic” belief that one can be him/herself on the get go just “because he/she wasn't allowed or had the freedom to be that person” in the past relationhip/s. That is expected of lovers, of course. But we need to be real here. No matter how two people enjoy the bliss of a sexual tryst on the first few months or maybe you two are one in looking at Obamacare, religious “fascism” or GMO-issues, still—those are the surface of it all. Compromise and negotiation get in confused fray—as two people try to sustain a relationship and stay longer together. Presence is important. But presence reveals flaws and faults, imperfections and irritations that shake and rattle a relationship. In case you are used to a 2-day or 7-hour alone time when single, excise total control of the TV remote while living with an obedient dog only, or used to hangin' out with the boys (or girls) on Friday night till 3 AM—there should be a level, a good level, of give-and-take and surrender/acceptance situation here. Are you willing to give those up, your so-called “individuality,” at least—as compromises are put on the table?
          Would you allow him/her to rearrange whoever's house (both decide to live in) to suit a partnership than, “This is my room, that is yours” or “I am OCD, I can find my little receipts in a rubble of books and McDonald's cups” or “I like the yard like that, like Naked and Afraid location shoot.” Or “I am spontaneous and loose” as against “You are regimented and uptight.” Or “You are controlling me” or “I am not going to be manipulated.” Why not find a way to figure out the sheer pleasures and easy convenience of whatever/wherever individual madness or personal truths you want to pursue? Remember, there are two people here, not one—and no two people are the same, even twins collide. But whatever we enjoy and relish alone may not work anymore, or had to be adjusted, when put upfront.
          And how do we resolve all these? Simple (although lovers tend to “blind” themselves). If a relationship doesn't make a person a better individual and only ruins her or dumps you in stagnation, quit. That'd be the time to give it all up. Life can be an uncomplicated equation, if you want it that way. So don't complicate it. If you can't co-exist with another set of exploding chakras and unaligned “madnesses.” just let go and move on. Be happy than confused. Maybe a koolcat beside you in front of “Game of Thrones” is better. You reckon?

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